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More Unease

Update on the soap opera escapades going on with my flatmate...her very recently ex-boyfriend was escorted out of the building by the police last night, after making threats and bashing things. He's been making suicide and homicide threats over phone, and they're getting a restraining order on him.

I'm disturbed. I'm disturbed because he was a "good guy". My mom had him in her middle school Spanish class, for God's sake. He was a good cook, courteous, all that. And he *still* is, which is the tweaking thing. He IMed me to apologize profusely for inconveniencing me last night. This, after he just finishes making death threats to my flatmate and her family.

It's sad, because I don't know what to do to help him, even if I was in a position to do so. He knows what he's doing, knows that it won't accomplish anything, and is really doing it to prove a point - because he's humiliated, hurt, and doesn't have any other "honorable" outlet.

I feel frustration, fear, and helplessness. I don't like feeling that in my own home, and that's exactly where this is centered right now. I'd almost wish to just be out of the apartment for a few days until things settle down.

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halophoenix
Feb. 13th, 2002 01:07 pm (UTC)
::grins wryly:: something I might be an authority on...
okay, let me dish this one out for you.

The nice guys are the ones who lose it when something like this happens. Take it from me, I'm a "nice guy," in at least whatever senses of the word I can think of. Credentials aside, this is how it works out usually(something I've talked about with another good friend of mine who's also a "nice guy"). The macho guy, the moron who's only interested in one thing can go after women and date them and leave them with no problem because the face he puts on to the woman he's interested in is only a fraction of his true self-they're the kind of guy who requires digging into their personality to understand, the ones who are less likely to open up to you and confide in you, their facade has part of themselves in it, admittedly, but for the most part it's something that, when rebuffed, they can take and apply to another woman without much effort or humiliation....the facade isn't much to them. The nice guy, however, puts all of himself in that face, all of his being, he opens up, he wants to be accepted for who he is and wants to be loved and wants to be understood, and when that face is rejected or rebuffed, it's a severe personal blow...it's like the person who rejected him is rejecting everything about him, telling him in essence that he's a horrible person, not good enough for them, etc, etc...that's what drives so many sensitive guys over the edge, makes them crazy, makes them go psycho, makes them sucidal. With any luck it's just a phase, a temporary thing that they'll get over(nice guys have a MUCH harder time getting over relationships than other guys), but sometimes it's a really dangerous thing...most nice guys get through that phase sometime and eventually give up all the external action and the internal hatred and learn to deal with it better, although it's still crushing...

No doubt he's apologizing for his actions, he feels sorry, he's upset he did what he did, he just couldn't stop himself at the time, he thinks kind of like a romance novel, that if he does something drastic and amazing to prove his love then she'll love him again...and that doesn't work. ::sigh:: with time he should calm down, but in all reality he'll need something to shake him up, usually I reccomend family and friends letting him know that this isn't healthy for him and he needs to talk about his feelings and express them in a better way than this...maybe see someone about the whole thing that he can talk to(not a friend, situations like this can get draining), but ultimately that he has to give up and move on and realize that he can't continue to act like this, with this person or any person...like you said, he knows what he's doing, he just needs to be able to talk to someone about how he's feeling rather than act the way he is....but don't let that person be you though, because it's a draining thing...::sigh::...a catch 22 in some ways, help him, but help him help himself...

okay...now that I wrote a novel...drop me a line if you wanna talk about it.
jalenstrix
Feb. 13th, 2002 02:13 pm (UTC)
Re: ::grins wryly:: something I might be an authority on...
[grin]

Yeah, the "old friend" of my flatmate fits the macho moron description to a tee. It's a shame. He's driving me up the smurfing wall with his messy inanity. Strutting fool.

But the other - it's exactly that he doesn't have any way to express his feelings, besides the ultra-romance novel death threats. Maybe if he could cry, just let it out, it would help. As it was, he was (in theory) shaken up by the police. I have no idea what his family thinks. I just hope he has someone he can trust to talk to. He really did invest so much of himself in this girl. And now his dark side comes out. But he garners pity for the exact reason that he's not all dark side.
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