February 7th, 2002

Owl Side

Wonder, wonder

It's stereotypical, of course, but I wonder how long it is that the love you have for someone lasts. In theory, it fades after time, losing the luster, becoming comfortable nostalgia or a vague warmth. And I obviously haven't had all that much time to let things sit - 3 years or so since the first feeling. But I still love strongly. There are three that I have said, "I love you" to in the deep sense - and I still feel them all.

It's like a bond - once the words are said, I've committed myself to it whether I want to later or not. Especially, and horribly sometimes, whether I want to later or not. Perversely so, even.

Perhaps this means I haven't truly "gotten over" any of them? But I am capable of loving others, I think. I have no difficulty imagining that feeling for someone else. It hasn't happened in the last few months, of course, but there's no emotional opposition to it that I can tell.
And perhaps this is why friction from any of the three can cut me so. It's a very big weakness - if they are hurt from me, angry with me, avoiding me, whatever the case may be...I am cut. If they feel joy, I get the backlash warmth from that. So it's a degree of power they have and a degree of control I don't.

This bothers me very much, but the benefits from loving someone in just that way outweighs the control issue. Even in those perversely horrible moments when all I want is indifference, the remembered joy outweighs it.

"When it was good, it was very, very good and when it was bad, it was awful."

So when exactly does it get to be a nice middling thing, I wonder?