Jalen Strix (jalenstrix) wrote,
Jalen Strix
jalenstrix

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Pense Pense

I know I have a particular avoidance of some physical things. I'm not sure entirely whence this avoidance stems - I'm not exactly Ms. Purity-Minded. But maybe I am, in a way - I'm much more innocent than my reputation seems to portray. But there's also a fear on this particular avoidance. It pisses me off. My stomach quivers whenever there's a hint in the air. My automatic gut-level response is a resounding NO. I fear. I hate that I fear.

And it's causing problems again. I hate it, too, that it's always so important. But I can see myself in the opposite position - and I'd be feeling upset and rejected, too, so I can't fault for that.

I can force past it, with conscious effort. But the next time, the fear is still there. It doesn't lessen. It's not a "Look, that was okay - you don't have to worry now" thing. It stays, brooding.

But it's been my Downfall (TM) before and it looks like it's going to be again unless I do something about it. Dammit.
Tags: meditation, spiritual
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