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Pride

I really do have a lot of it. It's sometimes as bad as a physical barrier to get over/through. I can feel it like a wall, and only recently have I been able to push beyond it when it's in my long-term interest to do so.

When I give into it, the victory is like dark chocolate, bitter-sweet with a sticky aftertaste. I need a metaphorical glass of water to get it out of the back of my throat.

I feel bad that I gave into pride, when dealing with my father regarding his irritating behavior over the weekend. I should have just ignored it. It's not as though I see him all the time. I probably shouldn't have written an apology-cum-explanation for my irritation.

He said today that he was sorry I was still mad at him. I was over my irritation Monday night, after some good venting to Foxe and Raven, but he didn't know that. I felt a stab of embarassment and sadness that he still thought I was angry. It's not his fault he doesn't know how to have a normal conversation with me, anymore. And having my brother down in Florida with him is probably just making his (and my mother's) emotional state all the more tenuous. I wish my brother had stayed here, away from them. Their retirement is really just more of a focus on my brother's antics than it was before. Their hearts, in more ways than one, probably won't be able to take it.

And my father thought I was still angry with him. All that unhappiness he's got from over five decades and I had to go and add to it.

Who needs Jewish grandmothers to give you guilt trips when you give them to yourself just as effectively? Dammit.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
(Anonymous)
Aug. 30th, 2002 11:49 am (UTC)
Remember: (even when it doesn't feel like it)

Never forget to smile,

It's the second best thing you can do with your lips...

jalenstrix
Sep. 4th, 2002 05:59 pm (UTC)
Re: Remember: (even when it doesn't feel like it)
[grin] Indeed. Whatever have you been up to, Mr. trigo?
(Anonymous)
Sep. 6th, 2002 05:12 am (UTC)
Re: Remember: (even when it doesn't feel like it)
Whenever you call me Mr. it makes me feel weird.. stop that!

I've been well lately. Even better than usual. After a long battle
with my boss, and the one above him at the army I managed to
move and work on something else, which I really wanted, but due to
lack of personnel my boss didn't want to let me go.

Aside of that I'm continuing my studies... which is fun,
and things with Gal are as happy as ever (even though she's in the
base during the holiday... which a bit sucks).

How've you been? (aside of what I read at lj)
(speaking of.. I want an lj account, but I need someone from the inside
to give me some code... cab you help?)

Oh, an of course - Shana Tova to you and your family.
jalenstrix
Sep. 8th, 2002 11:19 am (UTC)
Re: Remember: (even when it doesn't feel like it)
Shana Tova to you and Gal, too. :)

Hmm...as for livejournal account, as a free user, I can only give out one and I've already given it out. I'll ask about, though, for anyone who might have a free account to give.
halophoenix
Sep. 5th, 2002 08:49 am (UTC)
::smirk:: you're probably well on your way to being a jewish grandmother someday, eh?

The fact that you're remorseful about it and didn't want him to be mad is more than enough to be recompense for your pride. As long as we tell the people close to us that we love them and need them, that's probably the best thing you could possibly do.

::shrug:: just me putting my nose in..
jalenstrix
Sep. 8th, 2002 11:17 am (UTC)
[hug!] Thanks, sweetie.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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