Jalen Strix (jalenstrix) wrote,
Jalen Strix
jalenstrix

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Rant rant rant...[rant warning in effect]

After an absolutely gorgeous early evening with the Ravens and Liz, my mental system went crashing down. I walked into Liz's apartment and not only were there more people than I was expecting, but one of them was my Angst-Cookie (TM). My system registered shock, returned a book I'd borrowed from said Angst-Cookie, and retreated into the sanctity of Liz's room.

Angst-Cookie isn't all that great a description, really. It tries to make light of it, tries to make me laugh at myself. Humor as defense against things which are intensely painful, etc, etc, etc. And intensely painful he is. Maybe I should just change his moniker to TIPO (The Intensely Painful One). That's still humorous while being more truthful about his current effect.

So yes....TIPO. It's been five months and only after that verbal mauling a week and a half ago did I realize that it was a very, very bad idea to be around him. Well, I do learn eventually. But yes...my plan was to avoid him until my walls were firmly in place and he no longer could bring tears. To make that wonderful distance thing. But I can't do that if I walk around a corner and wham right into him, metaphorically speaking.

I thought I could hold onto my anger longer. Hold onto it long enough to forget (or at least overshadow) his good points. But listening to him in the other room last night - he has good points. Damn him, but he has them. God help me if I start remembering any more of them.

I heave a mental sigh of relief that he would never forsake his current schedule to sign up for ballroom dance classes. If he were in the same class and I had to not only be near him but actually touch him...actually move with him again...that would be intolerable. Exquisitely painful, to use words that make my Melodramatic Sense happy.

He still inspires enough feeling for me to hate him if I put everything I had into it. Not as much as he once did, but it's still there.

I shed unintentional tears for him last night and that is unacceptable. That I shed them in front of anyone else is even moreso. But this isn't anger at him - it's anger at myself. I need my anger at him back so I can portion off the emotional wall. Right now, it's all-inclusive. I don't want to shut everyone out - just him.

So the question now - can I manage to do this without shutting out everyone who's connected to him? I don't want to shut out Danielle and Liz. I really, really don't. But last night was Self-Preservation rearing its head and going, "Um...no. I don't bloody well think so." If I can be around them without being around him, I can portion the emotional wall to block him alone. I just need the time to do it. Then, once I have the wall and the distance, his presence won't matter.

I hope. Damn him. Damn him for still having the power to make me cry.
Tags: drama, ross
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