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Rant rant rant...[rant warning in effect]

After an absolutely gorgeous early evening with the Ravens and Liz, my mental system went crashing down. I walked into Liz's apartment and not only were there more people than I was expecting, but one of them was my Angst-Cookie (TM). My system registered shock, returned a book I'd borrowed from said Angst-Cookie, and retreated into the sanctity of Liz's room.

Angst-Cookie isn't all that great a description, really. It tries to make light of it, tries to make me laugh at myself. Humor as defense against things which are intensely painful, etc, etc, etc. And intensely painful he is. Maybe I should just change his moniker to TIPO (The Intensely Painful One). That's still humorous while being more truthful about his current effect.

So yes....TIPO. It's been five months and only after that verbal mauling a week and a half ago did I realize that it was a very, very bad idea to be around him. Well, I do learn eventually. But yes...my plan was to avoid him until my walls were firmly in place and he no longer could bring tears. To make that wonderful distance thing. But I can't do that if I walk around a corner and wham right into him, metaphorically speaking.

I thought I could hold onto my anger longer. Hold onto it long enough to forget (or at least overshadow) his good points. But listening to him in the other room last night - he has good points. Damn him, but he has them. God help me if I start remembering any more of them.

I heave a mental sigh of relief that he would never forsake his current schedule to sign up for ballroom dance classes. If he were in the same class and I had to not only be near him but actually touch him...actually move with him again...that would be intolerable. Exquisitely painful, to use words that make my Melodramatic Sense happy.

He still inspires enough feeling for me to hate him if I put everything I had into it. Not as much as he once did, but it's still there.

I shed unintentional tears for him last night and that is unacceptable. That I shed them in front of anyone else is even moreso. But this isn't anger at him - it's anger at myself. I need my anger at him back so I can portion off the emotional wall. Right now, it's all-inclusive. I don't want to shut everyone out - just him.

So the question now - can I manage to do this without shutting out everyone who's connected to him? I don't want to shut out Danielle and Liz. I really, really don't. But last night was Self-Preservation rearing its head and going, "Um...no. I don't bloody well think so." If I can be around them without being around him, I can portion the emotional wall to block him alone. I just need the time to do it. Then, once I have the wall and the distance, his presence won't matter.

I hope. Damn him. Damn him for still having the power to make me cry.



( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 25th, 2002 01:07 pm (UTC)
I have become a "One," have I? I had to glance down to assure myself I wasn't shrouded in darkness, a cloak of bats wings and musty rose petals lit by the dim, red light falling like dead leaves from my eyes. I was sad to note it wasn't true. But I was always a One.

And I am sorry.

I see too many of the defense mechanisms at work, thought pulverized by the grinding stone of self preservation. I know. They are mine too.

I read your message again, and I pull down the imaginary black hood draping from my forehead and your tongue. I want to gaze harshly into the void and promise my services for a taste of others' immortality. But I have to smile. You transcend points.
Jan. 25th, 2002 03:02 pm (UTC)
Of course you've been a One. You mattered. And through that, I gave you the power to hurt me. And you have. So enjoy your stay in the land of Oneness, sweet pea - until I can get my emotional wall going.

As for the shroud of darkness with bat wings and musty rose petals - wow, five goth points for you. That'd be so unbelievably neat if you could manage that in the flesh. [Note the Humor rushing to Self-Preservation's defense.]

I'm not making light of your words, of course. I just need a filter. Well, maybe I am making fun of them a little - you do have such a gorgeous poetic streak when responding to things like this.

And you're sorry. I know. It's just you being you - careless. But my, aren't you good at ripping open things when you want to.
(And this is me being sarcastic and angry. Aren't I good at it? Right.)

As for your last paragraph - lovely imagery, but too shrouded in words to be comprehensible to me. Nice to know, however, that I transcend points, whatever those might be referring to.

I'm sorry, too, I suppose. I regret many things having to do with you. But I need to hold onto my anger for the sake of Self-Preservation. The alternative is [melodramatic sigh, staple hand to forehead] Intensely Painful (TM). [goth point]
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 26th, 2002 10:05 am (UTC)
Re: Ha!
[wry grin]
And now he'll never ever respond in "public" again. Perish the thought that the sides he shows people might cross over.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )


Owl Side
Jalen Strix

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