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Wonder, wonder

It's stereotypical, of course, but I wonder how long it is that the love you have for someone lasts. In theory, it fades after time, losing the luster, becoming comfortable nostalgia or a vague warmth. And I obviously haven't had all that much time to let things sit - 3 years or so since the first feeling. But I still love strongly. There are three that I have said, "I love you" to in the deep sense - and I still feel them all.

It's like a bond - once the words are said, I've committed myself to it whether I want to later or not. Especially, and horribly sometimes, whether I want to later or not. Perversely so, even.

Perhaps this means I haven't truly "gotten over" any of them? But I am capable of loving others, I think. I have no difficulty imagining that feeling for someone else. It hasn't happened in the last few months, of course, but there's no emotional opposition to it that I can tell.
And perhaps this is why friction from any of the three can cut me so. It's a very big weakness - if they are hurt from me, angry with me, avoiding me, whatever the case may be...I am cut. If they feel joy, I get the backlash warmth from that. So it's a degree of power they have and a degree of control I don't.

This bothers me very much, but the benefits from loving someone in just that way outweighs the control issue. Even in those perversely horrible moments when all I want is indifference, the remembered joy outweighs it.

"When it was good, it was very, very good and when it was bad, it was awful."

So when exactly does it get to be a nice middling thing, I wonder?

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
stormking
Feb. 7th, 2002 06:55 pm (UTC)
I agree.
I don't think you ever stop caring about people that you have loved, no matter what happens, you may decide that being in a relationship with them is inpractical, wouldn't work, ,you don't want to make it work, or it would be detrimental to your health, but that won't ever change what made them special in your eyes. You might end up hating and loving them at the same time if they were particularly cruel to you.
I suppose it's a good reason to be very careful with relationships.
(Anonymous)
Feb. 8th, 2002 12:57 am (UTC)
[Raven-the-female] I suspect it's a measure of how deeply you cared for them in the first place. Anyone that I ever loved, I never really "got over". The feelings can simmer down into a comfortable friendship, outward indifference, or (rarely) dislike and disgust. I may not be head-over-heels in love with them anymore, but they still have the ability to make me care about what they do, much more easily than anyone else would. The most common reaction for me is a sort of friendship plus residual protectiveness/tenderness, but there have been other reactions too. Of course you can still control what you *do* about those leftover emotions, but that doesn't necessarily change how you feel.
levez
Feb. 8th, 2002 09:06 am (UTC)
Strong feelings of true love for somone (or something) don't become middling. Those feelings can be tricky to put into words, even harder to push out of you and into the open. Once out of the nice tidy container of your self they become even more intangible. It's not possible to just gather them up and throw them away or stuff those words and feelings back inside you, out the way.

Consequently, you no longer have any way of seeing where they begin and where they end anymore - no way of realising that "Ah, my feelings of love for this person begin with the way they hold a spoon but end with the hollow rattling sound they make when shaken in elevators." Otherwise, it would be far easier to see what the quality and intensity of those feelings are, to quantify and survey them.

In short, a love expressed is no longer a thing that is entirely inside you anymore. It's now out in the open where trade winds, gravity and the like can move it around, blur the edges.

So, when does it bcome middling? It's all down to the winds. And not just as some kind of whimsical poetic fancy.

psst: Hello there. Friend of RBlack's, just nosing at your journal, I'll be gone in a moment.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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