Update on broken cat: Most likely irritated esophagus, as was brilliantly suggested by glitter_ninja. Have tuna-smelling goo for kitty. Kitty much less with the heart-rending cries.
Update on broken sweetheart: Is strange stomach infection foo, but solveable with mega Antibiotics of Doom (TM), rather than emergency surgery. Yay.
And things return to normal-ish.
My thanks and glittery love to everyone who commented with hugs, suggestions, and the like. It did help with the de-stressing.